I Stand Strong

Part Two:  I Stand Strong

Suitcases packed, they left for the next few days.  I kissed my girls, waved goodbye, and breathed deeply with relief.  Rare time for myself, but to begin with, I needed to relax. 

I wasn’t sure why this was affecting me so much as I had worked hard to move on and create a good life for me and my daughters here; it pissed me off that I was allowing his past words and thoughts to get inside my head now.  Something had triggered this hurricane of raw emotions, and by God, I was going to discover a way out of the storm and into peace. 

While I didn’t know it at the time, I found a good routine for handling this intense stress.

First, I did my P90X Kenpo workout and visualized M’s face as I punched the air.  Then, I wrote morning pages, pouring out my thoughts and feelings onto the page.  Next, I put in a funny movie and laughed a lot before calling some friends for much-needed consoling.  Finally, I went to the beach and walked while taking photographs.  By this time, my mind and body had calmed down, and I felt so much better.  Ultimately, I realized that it was important to do positive things that make me happy.

Stopping by home.  I want to make white chicken chili for dad. 

The text from Beth restarted all of the pounding tension.  He dropped them off to run to his hotel, and I helped the girls make the chili.  Before he returned, I left to get some dark chocolate for me.  Again, I needed something to calm me down, and food has long been a comforting presence in my life.  As I struggle with emotional eating, I did not want to turn to that during this crisis; however, I also did not want to turn to alcohol as alcoholism runs rampant in my family.  I ate half of the sea salt and almond dark chocolate bar, and on the way home, I stopped at Publix and walked to the alcohol section.  I stared at the Corona Light for a long time; an employee asked if I needed help.  I didn’t want to buy a six-pack of beer because I knew I’d drink it all within a day or so, so I left without purchasing anything. 

When I returned home, they were talking, so I said that dinner was ready and dished up.  I sat at the table, and Beth sat down with me. 

“I don’t want us all to sit at the table together,” Devin said.  “It’s not a good idea.  It’s too confusing to have us all there.”

So, Beth carried her bowl out to the patio, which is directly across from the dining room table.  I picked up a book to read at the table and sat alone as M and Devin dished up and sat outside with Beth.

“Devin, I’m not really comfortable with this.  I don’t think it’s fair to your mom,” M said.  I didn’t hear Devin’s reply, but I told them not to worry about it.

“Since you’re allergic to cats, I’m really okay with the three of you sitting outside to eat.”  Yes, it was extremely awkward, but finally, it was over. 

Again, they were all gone, and again, I couldn’t calm down.  I didn’t know what to do.  I stretched and took some deep breaths.  I wrote.  I watched TV.  Nothing helped, and all I wanted was a beer. 

I drove back to Publix and called a friend on the way.  As I paced outside of Publix, right before their closing time, she cautioned me against using alcohol to dull my emotions.  “Get a good night’s sleep.  If you need to, grab some Melatonin to help you sleep and then go to bed early.”  I bought Melatonin and went back home to watch Hungry for Change, which was inspiring and soothing.  At 11:30, I popped a pill and was out by midnight.

Two other times during my time “alone,” the girls stopped by to grab something, and every time I experienced the gathering storm of agitation and had to find things that helped me release and quiet my mind and body. 

I hope I never feel that raw again, but now I have strategies and activities that I know help me survive.  Now, I remember to stop and look at how far I’ve come and all I’ve accomplished alone.  Snip, another string, hopefully the last one connecting us, is gone, and I stand strong.

To Be Continued...

(Check back tomorrow for the next part)