Chrysalis

A long time ago, Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Whether a blessing or a curse, this philosophy is a mantra that I have always lived, and I first remember hearing it as a quote from a childhood literary hero, Thoreau. The oldest of ten children, I found it so romantic that he built a cabin in the woods and lived in solitude.

I grew up on an Angus beef farm in the Bible-belt of the Ozark Mountains, and I loved nature so understood the part about living in the forest, surrounded by trees, birds, berries, creeks, flowers, vines, and wildlife. That I could do. However, I didn’t know anything about solitude.

I was never alone.

With all my younger siblings tripping around, I was constantly surrounded. Sure, I escaped into books all the time, David Copperfield and Jane Eyre two of my comforting companions.

Yet, I was completely alone.

Alone in a family where I was the caterpillar in an ant hill. Alone in that I didn’t have anyone to talk to other than Anne, my diary that I named after both Anne of Green Gables and Anne Frank.

Still, I didn’t understand living in solitude, choosing it, and considered being alone the same thing as lonely. Now I am learning that they are two very different things.

More importantly, I’m learning that not only is it important to examine my life but that it is just as important to “live the questions” as Rumi said.

As a recently divorced, working mother, my life is a mess. In some ways that is terrifying. However, I am learning from the caterpillar; while protected by the outer shell during the chrysalis stage, the caterpillar is a mass of chaos as it recreates and transforms into the butterfly. For a time, the caterpillar is a literal mess, but that stage is vital to its metamorphosis, crucial to its future.

So, I am embracing the mess. While I recreate and transform my life in all areas, I will live the chaos.

Are you struggling with something similar? How are you living your chaos?